Need Horizontal blessings.

It is the beginning of the school and I can't seem put myself together. there are many things that runs in my mind that I don't even want to mention because it's no use. I have lost some of my good friends and every now and then, i want to say something but i can't because it is hard for me to trust people these days. Many things i went through to make me feel this way. My counseling is next week and it seems so far away. I deff need my counseling so i can get rid of some of these heavy burdens that i am carrying right now. A smile is something that i only show because i don't want my brothers and sisters to be burdened because of how i am right now. but at the same time, i dont feel like to talk about things since i have trust issue right now. I sometimes just want to get back to my old style and let everyone follow what i say, but that is just wnat i want and it does not benefit me. I say this because my leadership has a poor performace these days. I don't want to voice out because i might gonna be too demand, and at the same time, it is a burden for me because i know that there are many things that i can improve, yet i am scared to take a step. i dont want to encounter my old style again. I am trying to humble myself to the best i can, even when it comes to something that deals with trust or even forgiveness, i just let it go. but i know that these things have to come out. otherwise i might gonna stress out and be a problem, which is the reason why i am writing on this blog to releave some of them. I can start sharing what I am going through, but i am trying not to because i know that there are some people who are following my blog like you, who are reading this right now. So if I say too much, please excuse me because i need to express these and take them out of my system.

As of now, my personal life is no longer only my business, but i feel and it aslo seems like my life is now everyone's business. I have suffered emotionally and it stumbles me, which causes my spiritual walk to be so hard. I will be straight up and I apologize if you get offended, but i just want to say welcome to my blog. Here we go...

Micronesia, is one of the best place to train gossipers. Observing things around me when i was young even until today, it never change. When something happens in a particular place, it does not take one day for every people in town to know what happened. People just want to go to anybody's business, which does not have anything to do with them. It is the sin inside of a person that have been going since decades and no one have addressed it, which gives me an idea that i probably should about it sometimes in the near future. I am hurting because people have talked about me and i have to suffer and continue submitting to the humility of Christ that He showed it to me when he washed the feet of Judas. Now it is in the Bible that we forgive and if someone continues, we have to correct and rebuke them. But that is another problem. Majority of Micronesians do not want to be confronted. When we confront them, they either get offened and raging anger burst out into physical, or they be so scared because they think that that is the biggest mistakes they've ever made and don't want to be confronted so they ran away. What shall i do with this as a mature Christian? My answer is that i don't know. I think i just have to relocate. That's why i keep silent. But I cannot do anything or keep these to myself for long that's why I write them on this blog. What really hurts me is that when I see people who are hurting, or who are in pain, i go right beside them and help them, encourage them, and trying my best to minister to them. But when it comes to me, when i'm hurting or need help, only few of those people that I helped will show up and trying their best to make me happy. When i say few, I can count them. I think at the most, it's six people who comes and give genuine help to me. I have a lot of leaders that i look up to, and they depend on me everytime things has to be put into actions, but only one have showed up to help. HOW SELFISH. What an unfair world we have, you know.... I feel like im a tool. I know that people depend on me because I have the gift of leadership. I can lead, for sure. But what has failed in this situation, is that there is no provision of mentoring or discipleship to me. This brings me back to the unfair world thought. People knows that i have gift of leadership so they put me in the mission to accomplish it. But they failed to supply discipleship and mentoring to me. I believe that to be a leader, we should take the first initiative and tell a person that we are willing to help, instead of waiting for them running to us, bleeding and in pain, dry spiritually, and begging for help. I don't thinkt that is a good way to start leadership. I speak what's in my mind and what's in my mind always comes from my heart. I share like this because it's been almost two years that i've submitted myself to missions and ministry and no one has come and pull me aside, in a sense of leadership, and ask if i need help. I've been giving and giving and not enough receiving. I need blessings. I know that i'm getting vertical blessings, but i also need horizontal blessings too. I'm done for now.