To all my PIU family:
I am truly sorry for if I have misrepresent Christ and have stumbled you. If you are judging me, i will accept it because I deserve it. If you forgive me, that would be a blessing for me. I am at the point in my life, realizing that i have hurt many people in so many ways which I was not aware of until this moment. I don't intentionally hurt people but I become wreckless in what I do.
To all the Staff and Faculty:
I am truly sorry if i have went against your ways or expectation. I know that you guys are sometimes depending on me because you have learned of what I am capable of or what I know, but i believe that some of you have stop depending on me because you already know that i am very eager and it become wreckless work which could hurt some people who are still learning how to glorify God. I have to be honest that I do have some resentment toward the authority and I'd be happy to share privately and not on this blog. I'd be blessed if I share this as soon as possible so I can get undrstanding. I believe that it is smaller issue for you but I do need someone to give me understanding. It's probably just the lack of my understanding and I probably need help. So it would be better if I get a chance to be heard and get the understanding so I may stop this resentment. If I have made you stumble in some ways or hurt you, I am truly sorry because that is not my intention. I am still a learner and I will not stop learning as you all know. I am taking counseling because I see some things that I need to improve in my life to represent Christ in the right way as he planned it in my life. So again, I am truly sorry if I have hurt you or go against what you are expecting from me and I'd be happy to be heard and get understanding on some issues which caused me to have resentment.
To all the students:
I am truly sorry for being a bad big brother. If i have misled you, please forgive me. I am doing my best to be a person that Christ want me to be, and sometimes I fail at the very point that you really need my help. I am also very prideful person that sometimes some of you tries to encourage me and I just ignore because of my stubbornness and selfishness and I am so sorry for that. Some of you are now scared to approach me because of just the way i talk. Some of you have given up on just fellowship with me because of my big mouth, talking too much. I am truly sorry that I made things hard for you to fellowship with me. I realize things because I evaluate myself every single day and my prayer is to glorify God in whatever I do, whatever I say, or whatever I think of and I believe that I have scared away some of you because I go beyond what I'm suppose to say or do. That means I misrepresnt God. If I represent Him well, I believe that you are to be encouraged and not be scared and run away or be discouraged.
To All:
This is my request. Many of you put a lot of expectation on me which burdens me. One good example is that some of you think that I am very smart based on my 4.o GPA on my first three semester. But I think we have to realize that cycle in life have ups and downs, which I was hoping that someone would approach me and ask what happened or what's wrong with me because from 4.O to 3.5 to 2.8 should tell something. But since I nothing happened or no one have done that, i'm gonna volunteer to step out of Chapel Worship Team based on my academic status, unless I really need to play. This is for the protection of my grades and studies so I can get back on track. Also, many expect me to help and encourage but fail to realize that sometimes I need help and encouragements. I want to wrap this by saying that I love you all PIU Fams and I don't mean to hurt you in any ways because God did not create me to do that. I want to ask you to forgive me and please look at me the way I am right know and don't try to match me to the past because I'm very different from that. Whether I'm different toward good or different toward bad. I have vertical love and I need horizontal love because i'm very lonely at this point in my life. If you are showing that to me, I need to be taught how to recognize them and accept them. Please consider these words of mine because I am a person who needs help and love.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Need Horizontal blessings.
It is the beginning of the school and I can't seem put myself together. there are many things that runs in my mind that I don't even want to mention because it's no use. I have lost some of my good friends and every now and then, i want to say something but i can't because it is hard for me to trust people these days. Many things i went through to make me feel this way. My counseling is next week and it seems so far away. I deff need my counseling so i can get rid of some of these heavy burdens that i am carrying right now. A smile is something that i only show because i don't want my brothers and sisters to be burdened because of how i am right now. but at the same time, i dont feel like to talk about things since i have trust issue right now. I sometimes just want to get back to my old style and let everyone follow what i say, but that is just wnat i want and it does not benefit me. I say this because my leadership has a poor performace these days. I don't want to voice out because i might gonna be too demand, and at the same time, it is a burden for me because i know that there are many things that i can improve, yet i am scared to take a step. i dont want to encounter my old style again. I am trying to humble myself to the best i can, even when it comes to something that deals with trust or even forgiveness, i just let it go. but i know that these things have to come out. otherwise i might gonna stress out and be a problem, which is the reason why i am writing on this blog to releave some of them. I can start sharing what I am going through, but i am trying not to because i know that there are some people who are following my blog like you, who are reading this right now. So if I say too much, please excuse me because i need to express these and take them out of my system.
As of now, my personal life is no longer only my business, but i feel and it aslo seems like my life is now everyone's business. I have suffered emotionally and it stumbles me, which causes my spiritual walk to be so hard. I will be straight up and I apologize if you get offended, but i just want to say welcome to my blog. Here we go...
Micronesia, is one of the best place to train gossipers. Observing things around me when i was young even until today, it never change. When something happens in a particular place, it does not take one day for every people in town to know what happened. People just want to go to anybody's business, which does not have anything to do with them. It is the sin inside of a person that have been going since decades and no one have addressed it, which gives me an idea that i probably should about it sometimes in the near future. I am hurting because people have talked about me and i have to suffer and continue submitting to the humility of Christ that He showed it to me when he washed the feet of Judas. Now it is in the Bible that we forgive and if someone continues, we have to correct and rebuke them. But that is another problem. Majority of Micronesians do not want to be confronted. When we confront them, they either get offened and raging anger burst out into physical, or they be so scared because they think that that is the biggest mistakes they've ever made and don't want to be confronted so they ran away. What shall i do with this as a mature Christian? My answer is that i don't know. I think i just have to relocate. That's why i keep silent. But I cannot do anything or keep these to myself for long that's why I write them on this blog. What really hurts me is that when I see people who are hurting, or who are in pain, i go right beside them and help them, encourage them, and trying my best to minister to them. But when it comes to me, when i'm hurting or need help, only few of those people that I helped will show up and trying their best to make me happy. When i say few, I can count them. I think at the most, it's six people who comes and give genuine help to me. I have a lot of leaders that i look up to, and they depend on me everytime things has to be put into actions, but only one have showed up to help. HOW SELFISH. What an unfair world we have, you know.... I feel like im a tool. I know that people depend on me because I have the gift of leadership. I can lead, for sure. But what has failed in this situation, is that there is no provision of mentoring or discipleship to me. This brings me back to the unfair world thought. People knows that i have gift of leadership so they put me in the mission to accomplish it. But they failed to supply discipleship and mentoring to me. I believe that to be a leader, we should take the first initiative and tell a person that we are willing to help, instead of waiting for them running to us, bleeding and in pain, dry spiritually, and begging for help. I don't thinkt that is a good way to start leadership. I speak what's in my mind and what's in my mind always comes from my heart. I share like this because it's been almost two years that i've submitted myself to missions and ministry and no one has come and pull me aside, in a sense of leadership, and ask if i need help. I've been giving and giving and not enough receiving. I need blessings. I know that i'm getting vertical blessings, but i also need horizontal blessings too. I'm done for now.
As of now, my personal life is no longer only my business, but i feel and it aslo seems like my life is now everyone's business. I have suffered emotionally and it stumbles me, which causes my spiritual walk to be so hard. I will be straight up and I apologize if you get offended, but i just want to say welcome to my blog. Here we go...
Micronesia, is one of the best place to train gossipers. Observing things around me when i was young even until today, it never change. When something happens in a particular place, it does not take one day for every people in town to know what happened. People just want to go to anybody's business, which does not have anything to do with them. It is the sin inside of a person that have been going since decades and no one have addressed it, which gives me an idea that i probably should about it sometimes in the near future. I am hurting because people have talked about me and i have to suffer and continue submitting to the humility of Christ that He showed it to me when he washed the feet of Judas. Now it is in the Bible that we forgive and if someone continues, we have to correct and rebuke them. But that is another problem. Majority of Micronesians do not want to be confronted. When we confront them, they either get offened and raging anger burst out into physical, or they be so scared because they think that that is the biggest mistakes they've ever made and don't want to be confronted so they ran away. What shall i do with this as a mature Christian? My answer is that i don't know. I think i just have to relocate. That's why i keep silent. But I cannot do anything or keep these to myself for long that's why I write them on this blog. What really hurts me is that when I see people who are hurting, or who are in pain, i go right beside them and help them, encourage them, and trying my best to minister to them. But when it comes to me, when i'm hurting or need help, only few of those people that I helped will show up and trying their best to make me happy. When i say few, I can count them. I think at the most, it's six people who comes and give genuine help to me. I have a lot of leaders that i look up to, and they depend on me everytime things has to be put into actions, but only one have showed up to help. HOW SELFISH. What an unfair world we have, you know.... I feel like im a tool. I know that people depend on me because I have the gift of leadership. I can lead, for sure. But what has failed in this situation, is that there is no provision of mentoring or discipleship to me. This brings me back to the unfair world thought. People knows that i have gift of leadership so they put me in the mission to accomplish it. But they failed to supply discipleship and mentoring to me. I believe that to be a leader, we should take the first initiative and tell a person that we are willing to help, instead of waiting for them running to us, bleeding and in pain, dry spiritually, and begging for help. I don't thinkt that is a good way to start leadership. I speak what's in my mind and what's in my mind always comes from my heart. I share like this because it's been almost two years that i've submitted myself to missions and ministry and no one has come and pull me aside, in a sense of leadership, and ask if i need help. I've been giving and giving and not enough receiving. I need blessings. I know that i'm getting vertical blessings, but i also need horizontal blessings too. I'm done for now.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
How we should love
Watching and listening to this one clip on youtube, it brought something to my mind that I am about to write.
It is amazing how we prioritize things in our lives that really shifts things around and we tend to not realizing that the true priorities in our lives are actually not on the list or hard to see them on the list. On this blog, i will be sharing some of the expience and the observations that i've encountered in my life.
There are many times that when we go to the store, we tend to forget to eat. That is the biggest mistake that a shopper will do when they go shopping (Forget to eat before going to the store). With the stomach empty, with our list of groceries in our hand, and knowing in our mind what are the proirities, it never gonna work when we go shopping with empty stomach.
When I was taking Consumer Math Class in high school, I learned that the first rule of shopping, is never shopping with empty stomach or hungry. You must eat before you go to the store. When you go to the store with empty stomach, everything that you see will be tasty, especially on the sweet section and in the soda fridge. Everything will look like Alice in the WonderLand. so peaceful and so juicy. Your imagination is so strong that when you look at some candy bar on the shelf, your mouth starts to water and it seems like the candy bar is in your mouth already. When you go and about to grab specific candy bar, you see another different one, so you stop and start thinking what you gonna take. Without knowing it, you already consume five minutes looking at these candy bars on just one isle. The time went by so fast and you just don't know. All of the sudden, you look at your hand and saw a white piece of paper on it, realizing that it is a shopping list. "Ooops". YES, you definitley gonna say "Ooops". start walking around and grabbing whatever inside the store that was on that shopping list. But still, in your mind, you want to go back to that isle of candy bars. NOTE:(There is no candy bar on the list). So you start estimating the items that you are getting. When you realized that there are enough change for the candy bar, you take the last item and then walked through the candy bar isle and grab the candy bar. Ooops. guess what? there must be something that has to partner up with this candy bar. so you walk to the refigerator and grab the soda... oh never mind soda. Too small. Get the Gatorade..... tsk tsk tsk. you go to the cashier and he/she start scanning. everything that you grabbed fits the amount of money that you have. That's approximately $2.50 unnecessary spending that you did. later days, when you are really broke, you wish that you did not spend those money for just satisfaction.
So how we solve this problem? very easy. eat and drink before you go to the store. I have tried it many times and it does work. it's the first rule of consumer math , so that means that there was a survey about it before it went inside that textbook. They did not just write that rule in there because they want to. So eat before you go shopping.
This is just the same situation when it comes to love between us and our families.
Our family is the first priority in our physical life. But many times, we tend not to think abou them or we tend to put them in the last part of our priority list.
When we start making friends, we start to receive good respond that we want from our friends. We start connecting with them based on the same interests. All of the sudden, we become so addicted with fun with our friends and try to enjoy to the max. We receive a call from our friends that they are going to the beach... so we ask for the key from our parents and hop inside the car and go to the beach and have fun. On the weekdays, we are too busy studying so we dont have much time enjoying with our family. then another weekend arrive. THen a friend call that they are going Jet Skying. So we ask for the key and hop on the car and go. then the weekdays. then the weekend, then the weekdays, the weekend. still, no time with our family. What's the problem on this? Two people who helps us to be well educated, two people who make sure that we dont get hungry, two people who make sure that we have roof to stay under, two people who are making sure that we have transporation with gas so we can travel to anywhere we want so easily, we failed to acknowledge or spend time with them. Because of our excitements and enjoyments with our friends, we have failed to see these provisions that they give us everyday. We have failed to love them back. we have failed to put them as the first priority in our list. Instead, they were the last people that we think of when it comes to the priority.
What's the solution for this? Knowing what's important for you and your family before thinking about the outsiders.... and yes, our friends are outsiders when it comes to the family.
This is just the same when it comes to serving God and this is the focus that i want us to focus on.
We live in a sinful world because of the sin that was committed by Adam and Eve. Because of that, we love to sin. it is our instinct. it is in our blood to sin. Everyone are capable of murdering, lusting, covetting, raping, masturbating, pornography, idolatry, immorality, suicide, adultery, and any sin that you could think of. we are all capable of these because they're our instinct. We were not made to do them but because of the sin that was committed, have become emptied and lusting for satisfaction of our body. Feeding our mind, our heart, our body with anything that we think that are tasty. Let me tell you something. all sin are tasty to us, humanly speaking. The reason why everything are so tasty or let me use the word attractive. the reason why everything are so attractive to us is because we are empty. our mind, our soul, or heart, even our body. there is nothing in this world that can satisfy us once and for all. NONE. But here is a thing. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins and He has tore the vail so now we can just go to Him without using other person or Priest. We can just pray directly to Him now. And He is our Hope. He is the one that can satisfy our needs. Believe it or not, He does give us satisfaction. But why some of us, including myself,.... you know what? not some but most.... why most of us the Christians already know that He is the priority, the HOPE for our lives, and yet we still put Him on the second, third, fourth, or...so sad... so sad. WHY? Huh? WHY? Why when we talk to our friends, we talk only ten minutes about God and 50minutes about other things and not relating them to God? Why when we spend 30minutes talking about blessings, we dont spend time thanking God? Huh? Why?.... Now some of us say that we thank God when we talk about blessings. In some part of that, i believe, but most part, i don't. Some of us usually say, "Oh, I thank God for this and this, and thank God for this and this, and thank God for you being part of my life, thank God because you're such a blessing...etc" Stop the Crap. this is not thanking God. Thanking God is when we start praying to God and talk to Him and start giving Him thanks. That's the part that I agree when someone say that he/she is giving thanks to God. We have missed the priority. Let me share this and this is one of the biggest mistake that i see almost everyday. People write their prayers online/facebook. We have missed the proirity, people. Writing on facebook gives information to the world or friends from other places that you are not in. writing a prayer online/facebook is boasting your prayer. you're showing your prayer to everyone what you are praying for. The Bible tells us not to boast our prayers but to hide inside the room and pray. We have missed our priority. Facebook is not connecting to God but and instrument that is used to connect to other people to Glorify God. We don't connect with God on facebook. writing a prayer on facebook is giving information. To make it more clear, writing prayer online/facebook is using our prayer to entertain people. simple as that. Seems like we have lost our sights of what's the priorities in our grocery list. Prayer to God has to be pure. What makes this worse is that writing things to facebook, we mostly make typo error so we have to delete and then make corrections. Prayer should not be edited. Seems like some have lost the priority of prayer, which is PRAYING in the Room and NOT BOASTING them to the world. Now it seems like we only hear about God but it's in vain. It seems like we have lost the true picture. It seems like we have lost the true priority. To fix this, Pray to God silently in our room and not boasting our prayers to the whole world. It's in the Bible. Also, when we say I praise God for this and that, do the actual prayer prior to that before you share it to others or pray right after you share it. if you don't pray before or after you say that, it is in vain. God should be the priority. We should be concious of God in our mind and heart whenever we talk about praises, whenever we talk about praying. You can enjoy boasting your prayers and let others see what you write, but if you are editing them, delete and write again, i say it's in vain. You have missed the priority. You can share your praises to others about how God has dealt with your life, but if you don't actually pray and give praise to Him, your sharing of praise is in vain. You have missed the true priority.
When you go to the store, have your stomach filled up, so when you go buy your items, you get what's on your priority list. When you enjoy your time with your friends, dont forget your responsibility by also sharing your love to them, spending time with them. WHen you pray or giving praise, Don't forget to put God first in your mind. Be concious of Him all the time. He is your proirity because He is the reason for your life. He is my priority because He is the reason for my life. He is our proirity because He is the LIFE.
THat's how we should love. Getting what's on your priority list is treating you right, loving yourself; responsiblility to spending time with your family is treating your love ones right, loving your family; being concious with God when praying or giving praises is treating God right, loving God. That's how we should love.
It is amazing how we prioritize things in our lives that really shifts things around and we tend to not realizing that the true priorities in our lives are actually not on the list or hard to see them on the list. On this blog, i will be sharing some of the expience and the observations that i've encountered in my life.
There are many times that when we go to the store, we tend to forget to eat. That is the biggest mistake that a shopper will do when they go shopping (Forget to eat before going to the store). With the stomach empty, with our list of groceries in our hand, and knowing in our mind what are the proirities, it never gonna work when we go shopping with empty stomach.
When I was taking Consumer Math Class in high school, I learned that the first rule of shopping, is never shopping with empty stomach or hungry. You must eat before you go to the store. When you go to the store with empty stomach, everything that you see will be tasty, especially on the sweet section and in the soda fridge. Everything will look like Alice in the WonderLand. so peaceful and so juicy. Your imagination is so strong that when you look at some candy bar on the shelf, your mouth starts to water and it seems like the candy bar is in your mouth already. When you go and about to grab specific candy bar, you see another different one, so you stop and start thinking what you gonna take. Without knowing it, you already consume five minutes looking at these candy bars on just one isle. The time went by so fast and you just don't know. All of the sudden, you look at your hand and saw a white piece of paper on it, realizing that it is a shopping list. "Ooops". YES, you definitley gonna say "Ooops". start walking around and grabbing whatever inside the store that was on that shopping list. But still, in your mind, you want to go back to that isle of candy bars. NOTE:(There is no candy bar on the list). So you start estimating the items that you are getting. When you realized that there are enough change for the candy bar, you take the last item and then walked through the candy bar isle and grab the candy bar. Ooops. guess what? there must be something that has to partner up with this candy bar. so you walk to the refigerator and grab the soda... oh never mind soda. Too small. Get the Gatorade..... tsk tsk tsk. you go to the cashier and he/she start scanning. everything that you grabbed fits the amount of money that you have. That's approximately $2.50 unnecessary spending that you did. later days, when you are really broke, you wish that you did not spend those money for just satisfaction.
So how we solve this problem? very easy. eat and drink before you go to the store. I have tried it many times and it does work. it's the first rule of consumer math , so that means that there was a survey about it before it went inside that textbook. They did not just write that rule in there because they want to. So eat before you go shopping.
This is just the same situation when it comes to love between us and our families.
Our family is the first priority in our physical life. But many times, we tend not to think abou them or we tend to put them in the last part of our priority list.
When we start making friends, we start to receive good respond that we want from our friends. We start connecting with them based on the same interests. All of the sudden, we become so addicted with fun with our friends and try to enjoy to the max. We receive a call from our friends that they are going to the beach... so we ask for the key from our parents and hop inside the car and go to the beach and have fun. On the weekdays, we are too busy studying so we dont have much time enjoying with our family. then another weekend arrive. THen a friend call that they are going Jet Skying. So we ask for the key and hop on the car and go. then the weekdays. then the weekend, then the weekdays, the weekend. still, no time with our family. What's the problem on this? Two people who helps us to be well educated, two people who make sure that we dont get hungry, two people who make sure that we have roof to stay under, two people who are making sure that we have transporation with gas so we can travel to anywhere we want so easily, we failed to acknowledge or spend time with them. Because of our excitements and enjoyments with our friends, we have failed to see these provisions that they give us everyday. We have failed to love them back. we have failed to put them as the first priority in our list. Instead, they were the last people that we think of when it comes to the priority.
What's the solution for this? Knowing what's important for you and your family before thinking about the outsiders.... and yes, our friends are outsiders when it comes to the family.
This is just the same when it comes to serving God and this is the focus that i want us to focus on.
We live in a sinful world because of the sin that was committed by Adam and Eve. Because of that, we love to sin. it is our instinct. it is in our blood to sin. Everyone are capable of murdering, lusting, covetting, raping, masturbating, pornography, idolatry, immorality, suicide, adultery, and any sin that you could think of. we are all capable of these because they're our instinct. We were not made to do them but because of the sin that was committed, have become emptied and lusting for satisfaction of our body. Feeding our mind, our heart, our body with anything that we think that are tasty. Let me tell you something. all sin are tasty to us, humanly speaking. The reason why everything are so tasty or let me use the word attractive. the reason why everything are so attractive to us is because we are empty. our mind, our soul, or heart, even our body. there is nothing in this world that can satisfy us once and for all. NONE. But here is a thing. Jesus Christ died on the cross for our sins and He has tore the vail so now we can just go to Him without using other person or Priest. We can just pray directly to Him now. And He is our Hope. He is the one that can satisfy our needs. Believe it or not, He does give us satisfaction. But why some of us, including myself,.... you know what? not some but most.... why most of us the Christians already know that He is the priority, the HOPE for our lives, and yet we still put Him on the second, third, fourth, or...so sad... so sad. WHY? Huh? WHY? Why when we talk to our friends, we talk only ten minutes about God and 50minutes about other things and not relating them to God? Why when we spend 30minutes talking about blessings, we dont spend time thanking God? Huh? Why?.... Now some of us say that we thank God when we talk about blessings. In some part of that, i believe, but most part, i don't. Some of us usually say, "Oh, I thank God for this and this, and thank God for this and this, and thank God for you being part of my life, thank God because you're such a blessing...etc" Stop the Crap. this is not thanking God. Thanking God is when we start praying to God and talk to Him and start giving Him thanks. That's the part that I agree when someone say that he/she is giving thanks to God. We have missed the priority. Let me share this and this is one of the biggest mistake that i see almost everyday. People write their prayers online/facebook. We have missed the proirity, people. Writing on facebook gives information to the world or friends from other places that you are not in. writing a prayer online/facebook is boasting your prayer. you're showing your prayer to everyone what you are praying for. The Bible tells us not to boast our prayers but to hide inside the room and pray. We have missed our priority. Facebook is not connecting to God but and instrument that is used to connect to other people to Glorify God. We don't connect with God on facebook. writing a prayer on facebook is giving information. To make it more clear, writing prayer online/facebook is using our prayer to entertain people. simple as that. Seems like we have lost our sights of what's the priorities in our grocery list. Prayer to God has to be pure. What makes this worse is that writing things to facebook, we mostly make typo error so we have to delete and then make corrections. Prayer should not be edited. Seems like some have lost the priority of prayer, which is PRAYING in the Room and NOT BOASTING them to the world. Now it seems like we only hear about God but it's in vain. It seems like we have lost the true picture. It seems like we have lost the true priority. To fix this, Pray to God silently in our room and not boasting our prayers to the whole world. It's in the Bible. Also, when we say I praise God for this and that, do the actual prayer prior to that before you share it to others or pray right after you share it. if you don't pray before or after you say that, it is in vain. God should be the priority. We should be concious of God in our mind and heart whenever we talk about praises, whenever we talk about praying. You can enjoy boasting your prayers and let others see what you write, but if you are editing them, delete and write again, i say it's in vain. You have missed the priority. You can share your praises to others about how God has dealt with your life, but if you don't actually pray and give praise to Him, your sharing of praise is in vain. You have missed the true priority.
When you go to the store, have your stomach filled up, so when you go buy your items, you get what's on your priority list. When you enjoy your time with your friends, dont forget your responsibility by also sharing your love to them, spending time with them. WHen you pray or giving praise, Don't forget to put God first in your mind. Be concious of Him all the time. He is your proirity because He is the reason for your life. He is my priority because He is the reason for my life. He is our proirity because He is the LIFE.
THat's how we should love. Getting what's on your priority list is treating you right, loving yourself; responsiblility to spending time with your family is treating your love ones right, loving your family; being concious with God when praying or giving praises is treating God right, loving God. That's how we should love.
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