Monday, October 25, 2010
Spiritual Emphasis 2010
Let the pictrues speak to you. Pictures that shows what was happening during this weekend on Spiritual Emphasis.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I hate it.
I have exam tomorrow but need to blog this. I cannot hold this in my heart because it will hurt me, and i cannot share a lot to some people because i might say some bad words that hey dont want to hear. I have too many burdens in my heart right now. the Spiritual emphasis is coming and i am pretty much out of shape right now. i am trying my best to cope with things that im facing and not offending other people but this comes constantly.
Let me tell why im so discouraged. I just found out recently that i could have shaved of one semester of mine if some of my previous courses were used. but because of some situation, they were not used. I already understand that one but i cannot do anymore and but i still claim that i could have graduate this coming graduation. but it's okay. it is the Will of God as many people say. and i have to live with it.
Another thing, Through just one course of Scuba diving, i went through a lot with my advisor that it hurt me so much that i just had to step out of the office, with tears of discouragement falling down. I had to step out to calm myself down in order to continue fighting to get this one class and it wont affect my FAFSA and VA benefit. After that, i came back with right attitude and she changed her talking, though she don't realize that, by saying that i can take the course without affecting my FAFSA and VA benefit and she told me the things I've been trying to tell her at the first place.
It is really hard when we become Christians because sometimes we want to deal with situation with a knuckle sandwitch, but we have to just let things go and give grace (forgiveness) because God gives grace to us every single days of our lives.
Okay, now, what follows that? while im trying to settle these things in my mind, someone just comment on one of my photo and pretty much discouraged me. so I told him that he can come to me and i will encourage teach him how to encourage and how to win other people's heart. But he turned around and said that he is good, he already know how. What i was trying to tell him is that he discouraged me, but instead he said something with pride. maybe he was playing, but i was not in a moment of playing or fooling around. when i c0nfront him, he say im sorry but it seems like his "IM SORRY" was not real for me, because he tried to advice me what to do after he discouraged me. I just told him this, "Why can't you accept your wrong and stop trying to advice me? And trust me, i know the time for playing and this is not one of those time."
So while i was still trying to cope with this, and it pretty much distructed me from our evening devotion, I found out that someone used my pictures to make his slide show without asking a permission from me. and guess what? majority of those pictures are mine.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT TO DELETE THIS BLOG ON TOP, BUT I WILL NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH. I CHANGE THE SUBJECT BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO INFORM THAT I JUST PRAYED WITH ONE OF MY BROTHER. AND THIS BROTHER IS THE ONE THAT WAS TRYING TO GIVE ME ADVICE. WE ALREADY HAVE A FULL UNDERSTANDING AND HE ALREADY KNOW WHY I WAS SO EASILY DISCOURAGE. AFTER WE SAY THAT WE WILL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER ON FACEBOOK MESSAGE, I SAID YES BUT IT WAS NOT ENOUGHT FOR ME. IT HAS BEEN A CULTURE TO SAY "WE WILL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER," "I WILL PRAY FOR YOU," AND SO ON. BUT FOR ME, I ALREADY MAKE IT THAT IF I SAY I WILL PRAY FOR SOMEONE, I WILL PRAY FOR HIM ON THAT PARTICULAR TIME. SO I WENT TO HIS ROOM AND ASKED HIM IF WE CAN PRAY. AFTER I PRAYED FOR HIM. SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED. I BECAME SO LIGHT. I PRAISE THE LORD THAT I BLOGGED THE ONE ON TOP SO I ACTUALLY ALREADY EXPRESS MY FEELING AND THEN ALREADY PRAY SO MY BURDENS ARE NOW LIGHTER. AND TO INFORM YOU ABOUT THAT PERSON THAT USED MY PICTURES, I ALREADY TELL HIM TO DELETE THE VIDEO AND TOLD HIM THAT HE IS LUCKY THAT I AM MICRONESIAN AND WE'RE NOT IN THE STATES OR OTHER BIG COUNTRIES. IF HE WAS THERE, SOMEONE COULD HAVE SUED HIM FOR USING OTHER PEOPLE'S PICTURES ON HIS PROJECT WHEN HE DONT ASK PERMISSION. LET'S CONTINUE GIVING PRAISES AND WORD OF THANKSGIVING TO THE LORD WHETHER IN TIMES OF GOODNESS OR TIMES OF TROUBLE FOR HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER US FROM TROUBLE. CALL ON HIS TELEPHONE: PSALM 50:15 AND HE ANSWERS, "CALL UPON ME IN TIMES OF TROUBLE, I WILL DELIVER YOU AND YOU WILL HONOR ME."
Let me tell why im so discouraged. I just found out recently that i could have shaved of one semester of mine if some of my previous courses were used. but because of some situation, they were not used. I already understand that one but i cannot do anymore and but i still claim that i could have graduate this coming graduation. but it's okay. it is the Will of God as many people say. and i have to live with it.
Another thing, Through just one course of Scuba diving, i went through a lot with my advisor that it hurt me so much that i just had to step out of the office, with tears of discouragement falling down. I had to step out to calm myself down in order to continue fighting to get this one class and it wont affect my FAFSA and VA benefit. After that, i came back with right attitude and she changed her talking, though she don't realize that, by saying that i can take the course without affecting my FAFSA and VA benefit and she told me the things I've been trying to tell her at the first place.
It is really hard when we become Christians because sometimes we want to deal with situation with a knuckle sandwitch, but we have to just let things go and give grace (forgiveness) because God gives grace to us every single days of our lives.
Okay, now, what follows that? while im trying to settle these things in my mind, someone just comment on one of my photo and pretty much discouraged me. so I told him that he can come to me and i will encourage teach him how to encourage and how to win other people's heart. But he turned around and said that he is good, he already know how. What i was trying to tell him is that he discouraged me, but instead he said something with pride. maybe he was playing, but i was not in a moment of playing or fooling around. when i c0nfront him, he say im sorry but it seems like his "IM SORRY" was not real for me, because he tried to advice me what to do after he discouraged me. I just told him this, "Why can't you accept your wrong and stop trying to advice me? And trust me, i know the time for playing and this is not one of those time."
So while i was still trying to cope with this, and it pretty much distructed me from our evening devotion, I found out that someone used my pictures to make his slide show without asking a permission from me. and guess what? majority of those pictures are mine.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I WANT TO DELETE THIS BLOG ON TOP, BUT I WILL NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH. I CHANGE THE SUBJECT BECAUSE I JUST WANT TO INFORM THAT I JUST PRAYED WITH ONE OF MY BROTHER. AND THIS BROTHER IS THE ONE THAT WAS TRYING TO GIVE ME ADVICE. WE ALREADY HAVE A FULL UNDERSTANDING AND HE ALREADY KNOW WHY I WAS SO EASILY DISCOURAGE. AFTER WE SAY THAT WE WILL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER ON FACEBOOK MESSAGE, I SAID YES BUT IT WAS NOT ENOUGHT FOR ME. IT HAS BEEN A CULTURE TO SAY "WE WILL PRAY FOR EACH OTHER," "I WILL PRAY FOR YOU," AND SO ON. BUT FOR ME, I ALREADY MAKE IT THAT IF I SAY I WILL PRAY FOR SOMEONE, I WILL PRAY FOR HIM ON THAT PARTICULAR TIME. SO I WENT TO HIS ROOM AND ASKED HIM IF WE CAN PRAY. AFTER I PRAYED FOR HIM. SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENED. I BECAME SO LIGHT. I PRAISE THE LORD THAT I BLOGGED THE ONE ON TOP SO I ACTUALLY ALREADY EXPRESS MY FEELING AND THEN ALREADY PRAY SO MY BURDENS ARE NOW LIGHTER. AND TO INFORM YOU ABOUT THAT PERSON THAT USED MY PICTURES, I ALREADY TELL HIM TO DELETE THE VIDEO AND TOLD HIM THAT HE IS LUCKY THAT I AM MICRONESIAN AND WE'RE NOT IN THE STATES OR OTHER BIG COUNTRIES. IF HE WAS THERE, SOMEONE COULD HAVE SUED HIM FOR USING OTHER PEOPLE'S PICTURES ON HIS PROJECT WHEN HE DONT ASK PERMISSION. LET'S CONTINUE GIVING PRAISES AND WORD OF THANKSGIVING TO THE LORD WHETHER IN TIMES OF GOODNESS OR TIMES OF TROUBLE FOR HE IS FAITHFUL TO DELIVER US FROM TROUBLE. CALL ON HIS TELEPHONE: PSALM 50:15 AND HE ANSWERS, "CALL UPON ME IN TIMES OF TROUBLE, I WILL DELIVER YOU AND YOU WILL HONOR ME."
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
On this Fall of 2010, PIU started to offer Diving Course for the students. With this great opportunity, only six students decided to join class. This Fall Semester, it offers Open Water Diving, Advance Open Water Diving, and the last one is Emergency First Response.
Fred, the one in the red arm suit, is the one instructing the course while Eric assisting him in any situation he need.
HERE ARE THE SIX STUDENTS THAT ENROLLED THIS COURSE. THEY ARE THE FIRST PIU STUDENTS TO TAKE THIS COURSE.
CECILIA:
FROM YAP AND PALAU
FINISHED HER AA DEGREE AND NOW PURSUING HER BA ON BIBLICAL STUDIES
SPECIALTY:
LOVE TO SERVE GOD AND LIKES TO TOUCH ANYTHING THAT ARE CATEGORIZED AS ELECTRONIC DEVICES THAT AT LEAST PRODUCE SOUND, MUSIC, OR ANY TYPES OF ENTERTAINMENTS.
HADSON:
FROM NGIWAL PALAU
PURSUING HIS BA DEGREE ON BIBLICAL STUDIES AND WANT TO BE TEACHER IN THE FUTURE. SOON TO FINISH HIS RACE IN PIU.
FAITHFULLY SERVING PALAU EVANGELICAL CHURCH IN GUAM (TEACHING SUNDAY SCHOOL)
SPECIALTY: VERY QUIET BUT VERY SHARP MINDED STUDENT. HE IS SKILLED IN PLAYING KEYBOARD.
JONIE:
FROM CHUUK
SECOND YEAR STUDENT, PURSUING HER BA DEGREE AND LOVES TO SERVE ALMIGHTY GOD
INVOLVE IN A LOT OF MINISTRY, i.e. CHURCH PLANTING AND UOG MINISTRY.
SPECIALTY:
LIKES TO LAUGH AND MAKE HER FRIENDS HAPPY WHEN THEY ARE IN DOWNPOINT OF THEIR LIVES.
BEN:
FROM SANTA CRUZ, CALIFORNIA
FIRST YEAR IN PIU AND HE'S A PART TIME STUDENT AND HE LOVES TO WORK.
INVOLVE IN UOG MINISTRY AND HE LIKES TO DO ALMOST EVERYTHING.
VERY TALENTED AND GIFTED MAN.
SPECIALTY:
SPECIALTY:
FIXING ANYTHING THAT IS BROKEN TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
MELUAT:
FROM PALAU
FORGET ABOUT THIS GUY. THIS IS ME. ALL I CAN SAY ABOUT ME, I WANNA BE MISSIONARY
SPECIALTY: "GOT ANY COFFEE?"
SPECIALTY: "GOT ANY COFFEE?"
SCOTT:
FROM LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
FRESHMEN STUDENT AND HE IS PART TIME STUDENT.
HE TUTORS SOME OF THE ESL STUDENTS AND IS INVOLVED WITH UOG MINISTRY AND ALSO MEMBER OF PIU WORSHIP TEAM
SPECIALTY:
SPECIALTY:
PLAYING GUITAR AND JUST WANNA RUN HIS FINGER ON HIS GUITAR LIKE THERE'S NO ENDING.
LET'S ALL PRAY THAT THESE STUDENTS CAN PURSUE THIS COURSE AND USE IT FOR THE BENEFIT OF THEIR FUTURE MINISTRIES IN ORDER TO GLORIFY GOD.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Little bit about myself
One thing i found out about myself. Since i was young, i never found out much about myself. but it was very quick for me to explore external and internal about myself. through struggle and trials in my life when i was young until no
w, i went through a lot that helped me shape up my life, but not only that, but also explore of who i am. I am a very time oriented person who will stick to what i say. I am not a typical micronesian. I have suffered trying to live like micronesian but it never fits me. I am a time oriented person, and i get irritated easily when people dont show up on the time where they said they would show up. This is something that is in my life that i've tried to change it but it cannot. i was born TIME ORIENTED person and i stick to my promises. I am a man of my words. But you may think that it is easy for me but there is more that i want to reveal on this blog. There are two things in my life that keeps me going and at the same time, very challenging for me sometimes. The first one, I am a perfectionist and the second one is OCD. If you dont know what is OCD, it is Obsesive Compulsive Disorder. This kind of disorder make me do things that are wierd and not normal for most of the people. if you are familiar with the Episode show called MONK, you can understand my sitation. Monk is a true OCD and i thin
k he is at the highest. But for me, i am not so extreme like him but i go beyond normal. Let me show you some things to prove to you that i am OCD. When i chew any food, they gotta be evenly shared on both side of my mouth (left and right). When i shake someone's hand, i sometimes wipe it with my other hand, or in other word, i shake of the imaginary dust or dirt from it. I say sometimes because sometimes i dont. I'm not too extreme like Monk. When i walk across the tiles, i have to be evenly share the lines of the tiles or square on both of my feet. if i walk and my right foot step on top of the line, my left foot have to do that also, if the lines run out and my left did not step on the line, my right foot literally drag on the ground to wipe off the imaginary line that has stuck under my foot. again, not all the time because im not extreme OCD. when someone tap on my shoulder, i sometimes wipe of the imaginary dust on my shoulder. okay, i say imaginary and i know that it's imaginary. So why do i keep wiping or shaking off the dust if i kn
ow that they are just imainary? well, to be honest, the feeling is not imaginary. i feel the dust or dirt on my shoulder or on my hand when i shake hand. Also the imaginary line under my foot is real for me. i actually feel it that's why i have to drag my foot to wipe that line off of my foot. Is it cazy? yes, it is crazy for normal people but for me it is not crazy. This is something that many people don't understand. And again, i said PERFECTIONIST. Combining my perfectionist and OCD together, it makes me fulfill the things that i promised on time and it makes me follow what people say and it will benefit if they are time oriented. but if they are event oriented, it's a hurt to me. That's why a lot of time i make small things to be big deal or problem for me. Because normal people think that it is no big deal, but for me, it is a different story. It's a big deal. So am I a typical Micronesian? I dont know. I still say no. These stuff that i have makes me live easier when I'm with westerners. Why do i say that? I say this based on my experiences.
w, i went through a lot that helped me shape up my life, but not only that, but also explore of who i am. I am a very time oriented person who will stick to what i say. I am not a typical micronesian. I have suffered trying to live like micronesian but it never fits me. I am a time oriented person, and i get irritated easily when people dont show up on the time where they said they would show up. This is something that is in my life that i've tried to change it but it cannot. i was born TIME ORIENTED person and i stick to my promises. I am a man of my words. But you may think that it is easy for me but there is more that i want to reveal on this blog. There are two things in my life that keeps me going and at the same time, very challenging for me sometimes. The first one, I am a perfectionist and the second one is OCD. If you dont know what is OCD, it is Obsesive Compulsive Disorder. This kind of disorder make me do things that are wierd and not normal for most of the people. if you are familiar with the Episode show called MONK, you can understand my sitation. Monk is a true OCD and i thin
k he is at the highest. But for me, i am not so extreme like him but i go beyond normal. Let me show you some things to prove to you that i am OCD. When i chew any food, they gotta be evenly shared on both side of my mouth (left and right). When i shake someone's hand, i sometimes wipe it with my other hand, or in other word, i shake of the imaginary dust or dirt from it. I say sometimes because sometimes i dont. I'm not too extreme like Monk. When i walk across the tiles, i have to be evenly share the lines of the tiles or square on both of my feet. if i walk and my right foot step on top of the line, my left foot have to do that also, if the lines run out and my left did not step on the line, my right foot literally drag on the ground to wipe off the imaginary line that has stuck under my foot. again, not all the time because im not extreme OCD. when someone tap on my shoulder, i sometimes wipe of the imaginary dust on my shoulder. okay, i say imaginary and i know that it's imaginary. So why do i keep wiping or shaking off the dust if i kn
ow that they are just imainary? well, to be honest, the feeling is not imaginary. i feel the dust or dirt on my shoulder or on my hand when i shake hand. Also the imaginary line under my foot is real for me. i actually feel it that's why i have to drag my foot to wipe that line off of my foot. Is it cazy? yes, it is crazy for normal people but for me it is not crazy. This is something that many people don't understand. And again, i said PERFECTIONIST. Combining my perfectionist and OCD together, it makes me fulfill the things that i promised on time and it makes me follow what people say and it will benefit if they are time oriented. but if they are event oriented, it's a hurt to me. That's why a lot of time i make small things to be big deal or problem for me. Because normal people think that it is no big deal, but for me, it is a different story. It's a big deal. So am I a typical Micronesian? I dont know. I still say no. These stuff that i have makes me live easier when I'm with westerners. Why do i say that? I say this based on my experiences.
Friday, October 1, 2010
I feel like Abraham right now
For this school semester, i have been disconnecting myself from a lot of responsibilities and leadership on PIU and other areas. The reason why is that i was so burnt out last semester by a lot of good works that the school had set before me to accomplish. I, with a very good team of mine from STUCO helped each other to accomplishing these responsibilities. But even more, I had some other ministries that i was involved with. At the same time, I had some personal issues that i was dealing in my life. Through these things and some other things that i did not mention, I was so burned out. But I did not have a chance to rest during the summer because of the ministry to the States. So that means, since I'm human that need rest, I decided not to get involved with a lot of things this semester. I wanted to relax my mind while i was recovering on those hardship that i went through last semester. With a blessing from God, the pre-registration that i did last semester for this semester made my classes so flexible in terms of my studying. Though I am taking six classes, I'm still able to have good amount of rest that can treat me like I'm in vacation.
But though I am away from those things/responsibilities, it doesn't mean that I have easy life on campus. I still have work to do as in assignments/homeworks. This is the only thing that occupies my time. I enjoy studying and enjoy my classes this semester because they are well spread or well scheduled so i can do my assignments and ministries with not a lot of hard thinkings.
Through some everyday challenges, and try to keep myself away from responsibilities, i guess i exagerated my actions in terms of away from task and responsibilities. I think i was more like run away of even worse, procrastinating. But there is even more harder challenge. I made a covenant to myself that I will control my itch (talking a lot in terms of testimonies or encouragement) and try to just be cool and not say much. through this covenant that i made, it was hard and frustrating because i was doing something that a lot of people say "out of my league" by not talking a lot. With the covenant and the keeping myself away from responsibilities, I became so lonely and I kept forcing myself to do it in order just to hurt me so i wont feel those other pain that i felt last semesters. Instead of lifting them up to God, i try to hide them by covering them up with blessings at the moments. In other words, instead of talking about them, I try to think or seek happiness and think about those happiness more often so i wont have time to think about the hurts or pain that i am holding or carrying. with this, i pretty much did not excape from the pain, but i just blindfold myself with the blessings and not trying to understand those pain and get over them and move on. Sadly to say this, but it got worse because I became so lonely because i disconnect myself from people when i have not solved and get understanding with these pain that im having from the past semester. With this situation, i became more frustrated and irritated. Lonely, frustrated, angry, confused, hurt, and others. What even made it worse was that i receive some bad news from one of my sibling and i felt so disappointed and discouraged, and it seems that things were so unfair to me. The tears started running down my face because i was so hurt and the tears where the tears of pain and anger. With my situation like this, i risked my time to stay awake until 2am on Sep 27th, just to talk and pour out these things to one of my very close family on this campus. Through the sharing, i gained more understanding of the situations that i was in and gained a knowledge of how to approach these challenges and pains that im holding. Even before this, i had a chance to talk to one of the sister that is always faithful to pray for me and she gave me some advices. And talking with this sister, she gave me one advice that i took it into action... REST IN THE LORD.... and then i talked to that brother at 2am in the morning, the advice were just side by side and it gave me understanding. The very next day, that's where the blessings started to reveal.
September 28th, this was the first day of our class on SCUBA DIVING. We went to buy our diving gears and Eric Sorenson was driving us. On our way back, I was talking about my vision or i would say ambition for Thailand as always. But out of nowhere, Eric said this, "YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT GOING TO DO MINISTRY IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA. THEY ARE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE QUALIFIED SCUBA DIVERS." With these information that he said, i did not really consider it or think about it with confidence. i want to go there because i can say that i am from there also since my great grandfather is from there. But i did not really think about it as mission field because my mind is still focusing in Thailand.
September 29th, I finished my class and went to Steve Stinette's office and had a good amount of time talking with him, seeking for some advice. Not only seeking for advice, but i was also sharing what i wanted to do after i finish.... as always, THAILAND..... But with the sharing, i found out one thing that we both share the same vision but our focus on the field of ministry was different. I did not really get the sense that there is something that gonna happen in this particular room that will change me totally. When i found out that we share the same vision but different field, i was thinking in this way, "OH, THAT'S GOOD SO NOW WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER AND MAKE THE WORK MORE BETTER AND EASIER." Stubborn i am and blind i am because i still focus on my ambition. While we were still talking, and him knowing that i have enrolled on scuba diving class, he got up and took a map with routes of plain in it. before he got up, we were talking about that micronesia is the best place to send missionaries because communist people and other big places does not know much about micronesia. When he got up to take the map or book with map in it that has flight route in it, i thought he was gonna connect it with the one that we were just talking about. He pointed to Papua and Papua New Guinee and said that there are a lot of needs over there. so i said in my mind, "THAT'S COOL. NOW WHEN I GO TO THAILAND AND TRAIN SOME OF FUTURE MISSIONARIES FROM MICRONESIA, THEY WILL TAKE THIS FIELD THAT STEVE IS TALKING ABOUT". HOw blind i am and how stubborn i am so my mind is still in my ambition of Thailand. The next thing he said is, "THIS PARTICULAR PLACE NEED PEOPLE WHO CAN DO SCUBA DIVING." Three seconds after he said scuba diving, i was a mess. my tears start running down my face and i felt something that i've never felt before. it was something joyful and very convicting feeling. I knew where this was leading me to. Steve start giggling at me because i could not stop crying. He kept talking and we prayed. Now for that, i started connecting everything. With me and Steve sharing the same vision, and Eric mentioning to me that i should go to PNG for mission, and with the information about palauans trying to make a full support of one missionary in the future, I started to realized more and more things. It was not just Eric talking to me about going to PNG for diving, but it was God who used him. It was not just by mistake that I went to Steve's office, but it was on the right timing. It was not the calling for me to go to Thailand, YET, but it was just an ambition. not yet a calling.
After that, I walked out of the door and only thing that came out of my mouth is the word of praises and thanksgiving. I was speechless. I went to my room and prayed. There was nothing i could say to make myself feel good in expression of my feeling to God but just to say HALELUJIA. I feel like Abraham right now because i know there is a field out there waiting for me but i dont even know where. I know that it's unfamiliar place and i know that God is right by my side preparing me.
This thing that happened to me is that i know that it's not ambition, because i have never been to that side of the world, and at the same time im not in a rush or eagerness to go there. it is something that just fit well in me. for that whole day, I was overwhelmed with blessings. I think what im trying to say is that God has prepared a field for me to minister after I graduate, and i'm just waiting for its time to come. Even makes it more better, one of the thing that happened to make my week sooooooo blessing is the prayer time and fasting time. I was talking to one of the leader about something like this and now it's happening. I praise the Lord that He really answers our prayers on HIS timing. Praise HIM, Praise the Lord.
But though I am away from those things/responsibilities, it doesn't mean that I have easy life on campus. I still have work to do as in assignments/homeworks. This is the only thing that occupies my time. I enjoy studying and enjoy my classes this semester because they are well spread or well scheduled so i can do my assignments and ministries with not a lot of hard thinkings.
Through some everyday challenges, and try to keep myself away from responsibilities, i guess i exagerated my actions in terms of away from task and responsibilities. I think i was more like run away of even worse, procrastinating. But there is even more harder challenge. I made a covenant to myself that I will control my itch (talking a lot in terms of testimonies or encouragement) and try to just be cool and not say much. through this covenant that i made, it was hard and frustrating because i was doing something that a lot of people say "out of my league" by not talking a lot. With the covenant and the keeping myself away from responsibilities, I became so lonely and I kept forcing myself to do it in order just to hurt me so i wont feel those other pain that i felt last semesters. Instead of lifting them up to God, i try to hide them by covering them up with blessings at the moments. In other words, instead of talking about them, I try to think or seek happiness and think about those happiness more often so i wont have time to think about the hurts or pain that i am holding or carrying. with this, i pretty much did not excape from the pain, but i just blindfold myself with the blessings and not trying to understand those pain and get over them and move on. Sadly to say this, but it got worse because I became so lonely because i disconnect myself from people when i have not solved and get understanding with these pain that im having from the past semester. With this situation, i became more frustrated and irritated. Lonely, frustrated, angry, confused, hurt, and others. What even made it worse was that i receive some bad news from one of my sibling and i felt so disappointed and discouraged, and it seems that things were so unfair to me. The tears started running down my face because i was so hurt and the tears where the tears of pain and anger. With my situation like this, i risked my time to stay awake until 2am on Sep 27th, just to talk and pour out these things to one of my very close family on this campus. Through the sharing, i gained more understanding of the situations that i was in and gained a knowledge of how to approach these challenges and pains that im holding. Even before this, i had a chance to talk to one of the sister that is always faithful to pray for me and she gave me some advices. And talking with this sister, she gave me one advice that i took it into action... REST IN THE LORD.... and then i talked to that brother at 2am in the morning, the advice were just side by side and it gave me understanding. The very next day, that's where the blessings started to reveal.
September 28th, this was the first day of our class on SCUBA DIVING. We went to buy our diving gears and Eric Sorenson was driving us. On our way back, I was talking about my vision or i would say ambition for Thailand as always. But out of nowhere, Eric said this, "YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT GOING TO DO MINISTRY IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA. THEY ARE LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE QUALIFIED SCUBA DIVERS." With these information that he said, i did not really consider it or think about it with confidence. i want to go there because i can say that i am from there also since my great grandfather is from there. But i did not really think about it as mission field because my mind is still focusing in Thailand.
September 29th, I finished my class and went to Steve Stinette's office and had a good amount of time talking with him, seeking for some advice. Not only seeking for advice, but i was also sharing what i wanted to do after i finish.... as always, THAILAND..... But with the sharing, i found out one thing that we both share the same vision but our focus on the field of ministry was different. I did not really get the sense that there is something that gonna happen in this particular room that will change me totally. When i found out that we share the same vision but different field, i was thinking in this way, "OH, THAT'S GOOD SO NOW WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER AND MAKE THE WORK MORE BETTER AND EASIER." Stubborn i am and blind i am because i still focus on my ambition. While we were still talking, and him knowing that i have enrolled on scuba diving class, he got up and took a map with routes of plain in it. before he got up, we were talking about that micronesia is the best place to send missionaries because communist people and other big places does not know much about micronesia. When he got up to take the map or book with map in it that has flight route in it, i thought he was gonna connect it with the one that we were just talking about. He pointed to Papua and Papua New Guinee and said that there are a lot of needs over there. so i said in my mind, "THAT'S COOL. NOW WHEN I GO TO THAILAND AND TRAIN SOME OF FUTURE MISSIONARIES FROM MICRONESIA, THEY WILL TAKE THIS FIELD THAT STEVE IS TALKING ABOUT". HOw blind i am and how stubborn i am so my mind is still in my ambition of Thailand. The next thing he said is, "THIS PARTICULAR PLACE NEED PEOPLE WHO CAN DO SCUBA DIVING." Three seconds after he said scuba diving, i was a mess. my tears start running down my face and i felt something that i've never felt before. it was something joyful and very convicting feeling. I knew where this was leading me to. Steve start giggling at me because i could not stop crying. He kept talking and we prayed. Now for that, i started connecting everything. With me and Steve sharing the same vision, and Eric mentioning to me that i should go to PNG for mission, and with the information about palauans trying to make a full support of one missionary in the future, I started to realized more and more things. It was not just Eric talking to me about going to PNG for diving, but it was God who used him. It was not just by mistake that I went to Steve's office, but it was on the right timing. It was not the calling for me to go to Thailand, YET, but it was just an ambition. not yet a calling.
After that, I walked out of the door and only thing that came out of my mouth is the word of praises and thanksgiving. I was speechless. I went to my room and prayed. There was nothing i could say to make myself feel good in expression of my feeling to God but just to say HALELUJIA. I feel like Abraham right now because i know there is a field out there waiting for me but i dont even know where. I know that it's unfamiliar place and i know that God is right by my side preparing me.
This thing that happened to me is that i know that it's not ambition, because i have never been to that side of the world, and at the same time im not in a rush or eagerness to go there. it is something that just fit well in me. for that whole day, I was overwhelmed with blessings. I think what im trying to say is that God has prepared a field for me to minister after I graduate, and i'm just waiting for its time to come. Even makes it more better, one of the thing that happened to make my week sooooooo blessing is the prayer time and fasting time. I was talking to one of the leader about something like this and now it's happening. I praise the Lord that He really answers our prayers on HIS timing. Praise HIM, Praise the Lord.
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